Monday, August 15, 2011

Sketch Book

This is from a older sketch book..As you can see I have not been posting very often.. It seems I just do not have the desire to create anything..It is as my muse has left me or maybe I have just left it.. So when I found this sketch I can not remember what I was thinking when I sketched it. but I do remember it was when my Mom was in the hospital the last time.
My Mom seems to be slipping away from me.. It makes me sad when I see her confused and  she can not remember just a few minutes ago.  I watch her sometimes and she just sits and stares at nothing for long periods of time. She also is in what they call the last stage of COPD . She can not do much except sit in her chair and just to get up and take a few steps makes her struggle to get air.. Now that her dementia is getting worse she does not understand why she can not do things like she use to do.. She will say things like I know I can still drive or I know I can plant a garden and then when I try to explain to her she does not understand.
It breaks my heart.
I suppose I am just tired my self.. I am not complaining, just tired and I think I could use some away time.  Just by my self to find me again.  Just a get away from the worries and the stress..Does that sound selfish?

Thanks for all of you who listen to me and I always appreciate every comment.
Have a wonderful week.
Katelen

8 comments:

Gallery Juana said...

Katelen,

I know how hard it must be to see this happening to your Mother. You're doing an incredible job being there for her.

Being a care provider is an endless responsibility, so it's inevitable that you'll get tired in all areas: mentally, physically and creatively. It's not selfish to want to have some time to yourself. In fact, it's the only way that we can keep balanced and continue being a care provider.

I read an article in a yoga magazine recently that quoted Phillip Moffit saying how crucial it is to acknowledge the difficult feelings that caregiving brings up. It also quoted another meditation teacher, Nischala Devi, "one of the most important things we can do is take care of ourselves. We're taught that it's selfish - I don't know where that comes from."

I hope you can find a way to get some time for yourself. Even if it's just to have lunch out or take a walk.

I'm sure your Mother is grateful for you and your loving care.

Hugs,
Juana

Umā said...

It is absolutely not selfish to want some time to yourself, but rather necessary to restore your energy and inspiration! You're doing an amazing job looking after your mom. It's devastating to see our parents grow old. When my mom was sick there were days I wanted to get in my car and just keep driving, daydreaming that if I did so I could get away from my own feelings and the reality of what was happening. Hang in there Katelen!

LauraX said...

not selfish at all Katelen...it is exhausting and painful to care for our beloveds at times, and even more so when we are not feeling well our selves. I am feeling this way too of late with all of the extra stuff I need to do to help my eldest daughter...but I do not have the added sadness that you are experiencing as you watch your mother slip away. I'm sorry you are going through this seemingly endless time of suffering...sending love and blessings for deep peace.

Mary said...

sweetheart it's not selfish one little bit. you are weary, physically and emotionally. it is completely understandable. i know you love your mama, and it's got to be so hard to see her slip away.

much love to you Katelen.

Odd Chick said...

my heart breaks for you sweet girl. I hope it makes it just a tad easier to know that when you share your heart ache that others bring that pain in, pray about it and then send it out into the universe dispersed into a thousand caring little stars that light a night of assurance and give a glimpse of the light of hope for tomorrow.

Bevie said...

My heart goes out to you Katelen knowing you are doing so much caring for you mom...I can't image how much this must take it's tole on you as you care for the woman you love so...pls know we are all holding you close to our hearts as we pray for you both, and you must take a little time to take care of yourself too...(((gentle hugs)))

Tweedles -- that's me said...

You do not know me, but my heart is crying with yours.
xoxo
tweedles

Gloria said...

Katelen, my thoughts are with you. I know the feeling. I'm having to commute to San Jose to take care of my mom because she won't come here to Modesto. You are a good daughter and your momma knows it. You are tired, but you will do what you have to do because there is no other way. You are not selfish and you'll see that later. For now, just go with the flow, smile for your beautiful mom who loves you much. Hugs to you. Take care.